


Bygone

by Ohgingersnap



Series: S&M ( Sam and morals) [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Age Play Caregiver Castiel (Supernatural), Age Play Little Dean Winchester, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Awesome Bobby Singer, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer Deals With Idjits, Castiel is So Done (Supernatural), Dean Winchester is Loved, Dean Winchester is Protective of Sam Winchester, Depressed Sam Winchester, Dom Bokuto Koutarou, Family Drama, Family Feels, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Masochist Sam Winchester, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Not Beta Read, Pain, Parental Bobby Singer, Platonic BDSM, Protective Bobby Singer, Sad and Happy, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Sam Winchester is Loved, Sam Winchester is Not Okay, Sam Winchester is Scarred For Life, Sick Sam Winchester, The Winchester Family (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24395878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohgingersnap/pseuds/Ohgingersnap
Summary: The neon green letters glared at me, as I in turn glared at them, eyes twitching with the intensity of which I did, not blinking or moving from my huddled position on the couch as I just stared at the numbers and willed them to freeze, to go back...anything but forward------------------------------------------"Sam, Dean is just worried for you- Hell we all are, and...quite frankly Dean's feelings are hurt because for YEARS you refused to tell him your category. When-"--------------------------My demeanor softens as I realize the real reason why Bobby is so upset. "Bobby." I force myself to sit up from the comfortable cushions, "I'm not gonna leave the house."-------------------------------------------Fire. Fire everywhere. All consuming fire----------------------------Emotions are running high, and communications are more like a war with words.But hey what's new?------------"You know I hate to state the obvious but, pink is definitely your color."-------------This section is split between Sam's 22nd birthday and a few days after.
Relationships: Bobby Singer & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: S&M ( Sam and morals) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672324
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Bygone

**Author's Note:**

> In case you did not see the update I posted to the description of this series, I will not be posting again until July so that I can pre-write the rest of this series and post is weekly for you guys.
> 
> I have struggled with the motivation for this series since I started writing the first one..so I apologize for my sporadic updates. I am going to force myself through the discomfort of writing such a non realistic bdsm fic- which I think is my real issue to be honest. 
> 
> But this will be finished!
> 
> After this series however, I am going to work on a stuff that is a polar opposite to this series because I need change.
> 
> But yes, next update in July but weekly updates for the last five parts!
> 
> This section is split up by present day and flashbacks, the flashbacks are italics and the present day is not.
> 
> The rest of this series will be layed out in a non linear way so if it ever gets confusing just ask me and I will explain.
> 
> Anyway enough talk, enjoy this cluster fuck that is the Winchester family.

_ A few days ago, May 2nd _

  
  


**_11:30 pm_ **

_ The neon green letters glared at me, as I in turn glared at them, eyes twitching with the intensity of which I did, not blinking or moving from my huddled position on the couch as I just stared at the numbers and willed them to freeze, to go back...anything but forward. _

_ Every little sound had me on edge, legs kicking out restlessly as my body shifted closer to the neon glow of the clock.  _

**_11:31 pm_ **

_ This can't be happening. _

_ Was a constant mantra in my wobbly mind as tired lungs forced air into the stunned sacks, causing me to wheeze pitifully on the exhale. _

**_11:32 pm_ **

_ God please no, please, anything but this,  _ **_please._ **

Present day, May 5th

"Sam!"

My head snapped up with a force that left my neck tingling and stomach woozy. 

Bobby watched me with a disapproving frown, the lines of his mouth kissing his chin. 

"Dean and Castiel are out front, have been for like thirty minutes but I told em I wasn't gonna let em in until I got the go ahead from you."

I clear my throat and nod almost frantically as I sit up to my full height, "uh, um, yeah course Bobby let em In."

Bobby sent me one last weary glance before he grunted, leaving the room with soft stomps.

**_8:00 pm_ **

_ "Ya sure you don't want me here with ya? This kind of thing can be pretty difficult by yourself Sam." _

_ I scuffed, tousling long auburn locks with scarred fingers.  _

_ "No offense Bobby." I pushed myself to a sitting position. " But, this would be difficult with you here, what with your brooding dominance and all." _

_ Bobby actually looked offended. _

_ "Did you just Call me brooding boy?" _

_ Bobby took a step forward like he was about to fight me before thinking better of it and stepping back two. _

_ "See-" _

_ Bobby put his hand up. _

_ " I don't need your sass Samuel. I'm well aware you just proved a point." _

_ I couldn't stop the proud smirk that spread onto my face even if I wanted to. _

_ "And you don't want me to call Jo? She could really help ya Sam." _

_ I looked down eyebrows furrowing, mouth gracing a straight line, pretending to think it over. _

_ "No. No, I'm good Bobby. No one needs to see me like this."  _

_ Bobby looks like he is going to protest but stops himself.  _

_ It isn't his right anyway, I'm an adult and what I choose to do on this "special day" is completely up to me. _

_ Bobby sighs, wrinkled hands coming up to adjust his dusty cap. " You could at least Call your brother and tell him what your category is before the big change." _

_ "He already knows Bobby." _

_ "No, he has suspicions, and that just ain't the same Sam. He's your brother and he deserves to know this shit." _

_ "I said NO Bobby." _

_ Bobby stumbles back like he was slapped, his glare meeting mine like two pilots playing chicken. _

_ "Fine, but don't come crying to me, when in a few days Dean comes banging on the door pissed as all hell." _

Bobby as it seems, wasn't entirely wrong about Dean's reaction. As said man comes stomping into the room green eyes livid, and freckled covered jaw clenched. He was clearly very mad, and the only reason he didn't start yelling right away is because of Castiel's looming presence. 

We stared at each other suspended in this moment of time, where both brothers refused to speak first, causing the room to chill and me to shiver; or maybe it was just the awkward tension that caused the goosebumps.

Castiel, who clearly sensed that neither of us will break the tension, decides to speak first. 

"You look like shit Sam."

The growled words broke the spell in the room causing Bobby and Dean to snort and me to roll my eyes.

"It's good to see you too Cas."

Dean, who was now smiling, shot me a "I told you so" look before shrugging leather clad shoulders.

"He's not wrong Sam. When's the last time you slept?"

The underline of care wasn't lost on me, so I decided to spare him a lie.

"I have not slept well in years Dean. BUT, recently…" I shifted my sore body against the couch cushions. " I have not slept since...that night."

"Your birthday." 

Cas says in confirmation and even though it wasn't necessary I nodded in agreement.

Dean sighs in agitation, the humor from a moment ago now wiped away as shaky hands come up to rub over his mouth, eyes closing briefly and body going tense, all at the mention of why they were really here.

"Sam."

Dean starts, green eyes now starring a hole into mine. I push my body to lean on my knees and wave my hand at him in dismissal.

"Dean, don't." 

He snaps his mouth shut, teeth grinding as he glances at Cas, who sighs and looks back at me.

"Sam, Dean is just worried for you- Hell we all are, and...quite frankly Dean's feelings are hurt because for YEARS you refused to tell him your category. When-"

"Yeah Sam, I thought we told each other everything! What happened to us against the world huh? What happened to we can handle anything that comes our way as long as we are together?"

I throw myself up onto shaky legs, heart hammering with withheld anger and eyes teary from the sudden rush of emotion. "What happened?" I asked scuffing in disbelief, palms clenching into fists while my mind whirled. " What happened is that we grew UP Dean."

As soon as I said those words I realized that I could have worded that better.

  
  


**_9:30 pm_ **

_ "Alright Sam I'm leavin now. You got everything you need? Food, water, phone charged in case you change your dumbass mind?" _

_ I huff in response shaking my head with withheld humor, looking to Bobby with tired eyes. Who clearly was very worried no matter how much he tried to show otherwise. It was all written in his face, by the downturn of his mouth and the rough offset to his jaw, from the glossy eyes to the twitch of a nose. _

_ Bobby just wants to help me, and all I do is push him away, push everyone away. Why am I the way I am?  _

_ I clear my throat more for emotional reasons than physical, "Yeah, yeah Bobby I can get water from the tap, we still got that lunch meat in the fridge and my phone is charging as we speak, so." I lift said device up as much as the cord will allow me, to prove I wasn't lying. _

_ Bobby just nods his head and looks away from me, eyes staring instead at the cracked fireplace. _

_ My demeanor softens as I realize the real reason why Bobby is so upset. "Bobby." I force myself to sit up from the comfortable cushions, "I'm not gonna leave the house." _

_ Bobby just snorts in reply, gaze meeting mine again. _

_ "Yeah? And how am I supposed to know that Sam? Dean said the same damn thing but next thing we know you get a call from a stranger that Dean is out at a goddamn bar of all places, instead of in his bedroom where he said he'd be." _

_ I roll my lips together before saying in a softer voice, "I did tell you that he would do that Bobby. That's why when I got the call I wasn't surprised he snuck out to drink, I mean it is Dean After a-" _

_ "Oh well good for you Sam! You know your brother better than I do!" _

_ My eyebrows furrow and face drops as I push myself up to a standing position, my now mature body towering over Bobby's 5'11 frame. _

_ "Bobby is- is that what this is about? You feel you failed Dean? So what? Now you are afraid to fail me too?"  _

_ Bobby clenches his jaw but doesn't say a thing, causing me to sigh. _

_ "Bobby, you didn't fail Dean ok? I mean sure he had some rough spots at the beginning." Bobby snorts and I chuckle in response. "Ok, REALLY rough spots in the beginning but he, never for one second did Dean think you were not there for him. He always knew that if push came to shove that you would be there picking his sorry ass back up." _

_ Bobby's shoulders slump and he nods his head, "Yeah." Wrinkled palms come up to scratch a balding scalp. "Yeah, you're right Sam, I just worry bout you. I- I know I may be on the opposite spectrum here, but- the little category is hard to deal with, right? But this-" Bobby gestures at my more muscled frame. "This Sam, is one of the hardest fucking ones you could have got n I just don't want you- I- I hate to see ya hurt Sam, and the fact that you where built to hurt, built to endore pain and to enjoy it to? It just-" _

_ It goes quiet in the small living room as Bobby's words settle over us like the clouds before a storm. _

_ "This isn't your fault Bobby. Hell, this isn't anyone's fault it- I was just born this way..born- born bad and-" _

_ "You Samuel Winchester are not bad, like ya said it ain't nobody's fault that you are the way you are. It was just meant to be." _

_ I clear my throat hoping that the vibrations will clear my tears as well. _

_ "I'll be alright Bobby." _

_ Bobby nods his head once, eyes downcast before he makes a move for the door. _

_ "Don't do anything stupid till I can be here to save your hid." And with that Bobby firmly shuts the front door successfully shutting out the cool spring air and the raising emotions that were once building. _

_ Now I was alone. _

"Oh." Dean puckers his lips and shakes his head, hands coming down to grip his hipbones. He laughs without humor, body shaking and eyes tearing up. "So that's how it's gonna be Sam Huh? Just throwing out the big guns right away." Dean was going from shocked to angry very quick and all I want to do is go back to a mere moment ago and change the way I spoke.

"Dean, I-" I step closer to Dean only to have Castiel's surprisingly rough hand thump into my chest and keep me from stepping closer. I look up to Cas with wide eyes trying desperately to convey that I didn't mean it like that. That the words just slipped out before I could scan them. But of course the blue eyes were hard and unwavering.

"Just- why- why didn't you tell me Sam? Why didn't you just tell me what you were going through? I- we could have helped you, we could have figured out a way to-"

"A way to what Dean? Fix me? A way to take it all back? A way to stop me from becoming- from becoming this? A monster?"

"Sammy-"

"No Dean." I step back from Castiel's outstretched palm desperately needing the space.

"That's what you meant right? That by me being a- a - masochist that by- being THAT I am in some way broken. In some way flawed. Well news flash Dean, we can't change this. Believe me I've tried. For three full fucking years I tried! But it was just meant to be."

From behind me I could feel Bobby flinch at my words, and yet again I regret my head to mouth process.

"Sam, you know Dean doesn't think that."

The words were more of a threat than a comfort.

"Well what did you mean then Dean?" 

Said man shifted uncomfortably underneath all the eyes, "I- I just- " he brought his fist up to his mouth and nibbled at the skin, causing Cas to grow taunt.

"I just wanna know why my brother, my own flesh and blood didn't trust me enough to tell me what was wrong with him."

Dean looked so raw, so broken, so young in that moment that I swear I felt my self hatred grow twice in size.

"It's not that I didn't trust you Dean." I said with the softest voice I could manage. "You just had so much on your plate, and I didn't want to bog you down with my petty problems."

Dean sniffles, and Cas stares at Dean like he is about to swoop in any moment and take him away from this stressful situation.

"But- but that's my job Sammy as older brother it's my Job to protect you and make sure you are ok. And- GOD!" 

Dean's yell echoed around the room, causing everyone but Cas to jump.

  
  


**_10:30 pm_ **

_ The silence of the house was eating at me and thus fueling the raging fires in my mind, the ones that whistled and popped, threatening to take over the fast dying green that once thrived in my mind, to replace it with scolding hot red like iron shackles to my skin. _

_ Mind over matter. _

_ I tried to tell myself. _

_ Mind over fucking matter  _

_ But it wasn't working, like I was trapped at the bottom of a well screaming and crying for help only for my own voice to echo back at me. _

_ I let out a shaky breath as I threaded my fingers through the auburn wisps of hair that were not tied back by the elastic band.  _

_ This is why you shouldn't have read those stupid articles about categories and birthdays, you are psyching yourself out. _

**_'My birthday was like a disaster, like I was just dipped into a vat of acid and left to cook overnight.'_ **

**_'By morning my body hurt so damn bad, like I was put through a meat grinder and the worst part of it was that I didn't mind it. In fact I found comfort in the pain.'_ **

**_'My birthday-_ **

**_My birthday was-the worst thing ever-so much pain- painpainpainsomuch-_ **

_ "Ahgghh!" I threw the closest thing to me at the wall and watched as the cup of water shattered and the fragmented dust of glass scattered down as the water fell with a  _ **_gallop._ **

"Dean, I think you should take a few deep breaths, just to calm down some."

Dean blinked watery eyes and nodded chest heaving as he forced air into stressed out lungs.

"There you go bee, breath in, breath out."

Dean waved his hand at Cas in a shooing motion that caused Cas to clench crystal eyes shut in annoyance.

"Sam-please- Pwease just-"

Dean tipped his head in a way that begged mercy.

I dug blunt nails desperately into abused flesh, as I watched my brother struggle for breath.

"It is what it is Dean. We can't go back into the past and think about what ifs and should haves, it- I didn't tell you to avoid this." I gestured wildly to Dean's shaky and sinking frame. " I wanted you to focus on you and not worry about what was going on with me-" I rolled my tongue around my mouth like I could taste my next words. "I also just wanted to suffer alone, I guess that is just the masochist in me."

I laughed bitterly and tried to look anywhere but at the others in the room. 

**_11:59 pm_ **

_ Sweat was dripping in beads down my back, gathering in puddles where the skin dipped and curved. _

_ It was  _ **_so_ ** _ damn  _ **_hot._ **

_ I really regret breaking that glass now. _

Several minutes went by as Cas coached Dean into deep breaths while Bobby got tired of standing in the kitchen and sat down in his favorite armchair;which really has seen better days. 

As for me I was huddled on the floor, knees to chest as I tried to make my large frame as un threatening as possible, tired eyes watching Dean snuggle into Cas as Castiel in turn glared at me.

"What was it like?" Cas asks once Dean is calm enough to stand; clinging to Cas's shoulder like a life line and once he himself no longer felt like ripping my head off.

I clear my throat, crossing my long legs at the ankles, stretching them out in front of me now that Dean was calmer. "What was what like?"

"The journey to hell! He means your birthday you digit."

I snort with a roll of my eyes, "I know that Bobby, I just-" I rub my hands over my mouth and nose, before settling over my eyes, leaning into the palms with a sigh.

"That Bad huh Sammy."

Dean's voice was just a whisper, but I could still clearly detect the worry in his soft voice.

Instead of answering Dean, I just start describing what IT felt like, hoping that once everyone knew they will leave me the hell alone to mop in peace.

**_12:00 am_ **

_ Fire. Fire everywhere. All consuming fire. Fire darting up my veins and evaporating the blood, unless to replace it and crawl up the bloodless tubes and suck me dry, causing me to crumble from the inside out, like dust in the wind. _

_ Not even the sweat that I was practically drowning in could quench my thirst, nor was it enough to soothe the burn, enough to settle me long enough to heal. _

**_?3:00 am ish?_ **

_ The hours bled together as time stopped having any meaning, the minutes and seconds blending together to form a timeless watercolor that shifted and grew with a mind of its own. _

_ The white blinding pain that once consumed every molecule of my being has now morphed, shifted, into one of blinding ecstasy, so overbearing that it still felt like the fire from before and maybe it was. Maybe my body was just used to it now, maybe the fire bent and molded my nerve endings to love the pain. To  _ **_want_ ** _ it. _

_ What ever happened, it was a living hell and a dream come true rolled into one. _

"Wow Sammy that's-" Dean's voice breaks as he tries to hold off his little side, but by the look in his forest eyes I could tell he wouldn't succeed for much longer. 

Castiel hugs Dean to his chest and looks at me with such pity that it makes me uncomfortable, but there was also this look in his eyes akin to curiosity that makes it less harsh.

"Can handle it myself, my ass."

Bobby's outburst causes me to laugh, so suddenly that it was like all the tension melts from my body from that one chuckle.

"Sammy?" 

My head immediately snaps up at the sound of Dean's little voice.

**I guess he couldn't fight it after all.**

"Yeah Dee?"

Dean shifts on his feet, bouncing from one black boot to the other. His little hands balling into his fitted gray shirt, eyes downcast.

"Do you- " he hangs his head, causing shaggy blonde locks to fall into his freckled face.

"Does he what Dee? You gotta speak up, honey he can't hear you." 

Dean leans into his caregivers side, head burrowing into Castiel's ugly tan coat.

Dee then looks up at me with such bright pure eyes, ones that could bring the toughest man to his knees. 

"Hug?" He lifts his arms out in front of him with a little huff, pink lips pouting. 

"Of course Dee, I would love a hug."

Dee smiles wide and toothy before he comes barreling toward me, with outstretched arms and uncoordinated limbs.

"Careful Bee."

Cas says just as Dean collides into my now kneeling form, head burrowing into lines of plaid as little hands pat my back gently.

"It's ok Sammy, it's ok."

**Oh hell.**

I bit my lip to stop it from trembling as Dee continues to pat my back and try to rock us back and forth. I make eye contact with Cas who looks on the verge of tears as well.

"Oh now that's just too cute." 

Bobby mumbles as Dean pulls back to clutch tan checks in grubby hands, pushing and pulling my face each and every way looking for a booboo.

"It's takay Simmy. Cas get u band aid for u booboos."

Dean then whips around to face Cas and starts babbling about the perfect band aid. 

"Ok, ok Honey bee, how abouuutt this one?"

Cas asks gently as he digs around in a little black backpack.

"Yuck! No no Sammy neeeedsss." 

Dean shuffles through the bag before coming out with a handful of bandaids, handing them to Cas to shift through. 

It's so fascinating how little Dean perceives big Deans pain. How to big Dean his pain was emotional and suffocating but to little Dean there is so much thing as emotional pain only scrapes and cuts that his Daddy can fix with cut little plasters.

When Dean comes running back to me holding a bright pink princess band aid, Cas and I meet gazes, Casitels was less rough around the edges now that Dean was happy. But it doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet. As Dean carefully sticks the band aid to my nose Cas makes direct eye contact with me and mouths the words. " We still have a lot to discuss." 

I hold back my sigh as Dean is peeled away from me by his Daddy and told that it would be best now to leave Sammy to rest so that his booboo can heal, Dee of course was very distraught by the idea of abandoning me, but as soon as Castiel brought Pie into the equation all bets were off.

"Bye bye Sammy. Low u"

I smile softly into Dean's baby soft hair before pressing a kiss right at his temple, "Bye Bye Dee, go enjoy your Pie."

"Oh I will, I will, IIIiiiiiii-" 

"Ok, Dean hunny let's go." Castiel says in a firm voice causing Dean's erratic bouncing to halt immediately as he is led out the door by the trench coat clad man himself.

The door shuts with a soft click, in closing Bobby and I together again.

"Well that was a damn rollercoaster of emotions." 

"Ha, you can say that again." I grunt as I lay my aching body back against the worn down couch.

"You know I hate to state the obvious but, pink is definitely your color." 

I scuff, leaning forward to swat at Bobby who chuckles and kicks my hands away. 

From there we fall into a peaceful silence, both of us just laying in the living room together both caught up in our own thoughts.

Well, that is until Bobby decides to stir the pot again.

"Considering the circumstances, I think Dean handled that pretty well."

I grunted in answer, desperately trying to will myself to sleep to avoid this conversation.

"You're lucky Dean isn't as hot headed as he used to be or Castiel and I woulda had to pull ya both apart by iron pliers."

"Hmmm."

I mumble eyes still closed and oh so close to sleep, that is until Bobby's cap hits me right in the eyes. "What-Hey!" I yell in aggravation glaring daggers at Bobby as I throw his hat back to him. " I was trying to sleep!" 

Bobby of course just rolls his eyes at me, " Then go on up to your room then and get some shut eye, I might want to watch the news or somethin."

I grunt as I force long limbs to stand and blurry eyes to readjust. I slowly make my way over to the staircase when Bobby's words stop me.

"And Sam."

I look over toward Bobby's relaxed frame through strands of brown.

"Don't get up till ya feel rested alright? There's no rush, I'll keep dinner hot for ya for when you do wake up. Ok? So just go, sleep the day away."

A smile pulls at my lips as I nod at Bobby planning on doing precisely that.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> As always comments and kudos are very much enjoyed! ❤
> 
> Till July. ❤


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